The Short Vort by Rabbi Eisenman

(This Vort is in honor of HaRav Avraham Yaakov Pam ZT”L whose 24th Yahrtzeit is tomorrow on the 28^th of Av)

It was over forty years ago, yet I recall the incident as if it was yesterday.

I am sitting across from Rav Pam ZT”L at Yeshiva Torah V’Daas.

I could not contain my feelings of hurt and resentment.

In a choked-up voice, I looked at Rav Pam and asked, “Why did he not come to my Chasunah? How can I forgive him?”

Rav Pam looked at me with his soft and understanding eyes.

I was married for four months, yet the hurt at my friend’s no-show at my Chasunah remained.

Shloimke Furman*, whom I considered a very close friend, wrote, “will not attend” on the response card to my Chasunah.

(Back then there were no such things as "Evites")

When I asked him, "Why can't you come?", he responded, “I’m sorry. I can’t make it. I have a conflict.”

However, try as I might, I could not eliminate my resentment.

Rav Pam listened as I poured out my heart.

After listening without interruption, he asked me a few seemingly unrelated questions.

“Tell me something. You have been married for four months, correct?” I nodded.

“Did it ever happen that your wife called and asked what you would like for dinner?”

I nodded again.

“And did it ever happen you answered that you would enjoy a fleishig supper, yet, when you arrived home, she had prepared milchigs?”

I looked at the Rebbe incredulously.

Was he looking in my window at dinner time?

How did he know that’s precisely what happened that very day at dinner!

Rav Pam brushed off my surprise and continued to probe, “And how did you react? Are you resentful of your wife?”

“Oh no, not at all,”

“Why not? After all, you wanted a fleishig supper, and you did not get what you hoped for.

Perhaps she intended to hurt you?”

I looked up at the Rebbe and responded confidently, “No, I don't believe that! I am sure she had a good reason for switching. It was thought out. She certainly would never intend to hurt me.”

Rav Pam smiled. “Now, just replace your wife with your friend. I am sure he also had his reasons and never intended to hurt you.”

I thanked Rav Pam and left with a (somewhat) lighter heart.

Fast forward 40 plus years.

I was with my wife at the Kosel.

Someone taps me on the shoulder, I turn, and I am face-to-face with Shloimke Furman.

He has aged; however, his voice is the same.

His mannerisms have not changed.

He is also with his wife.

We catch up and speak for a few minutes.

He then says (he always had an excellent memory), “You have your wedding anniversary coming up?

I still remember how you got married this time of the year!”

I look at Shloimke Furman, and words escape my mouth.

The words exploded as if they had been waiting to be said for over forty years.

“How would you know about my Chasunah? You weren’t even there!”

I regretted the words the moment they left my mouth.

Yet, as the Chofetz Chaim says, our words resemble feathers that scatter in the wind, the result of a ripped pillow. You can never retrieve them.

Shloimke was hurt.

Our wives were embarrassed.

The conversation ended.

We said our goodbyes and headed in our separate directions.

The next morning, in some inexplicable way, Shloimke was waiting for me by the apartment we were staying.

“Can I speak to you for a moment?”

We found a quiet spot on a bench as the cool Yerushalayim breeze felt wonderfully refreshing.

“I know you are still upset about my missing your Chasunah forty-plus years ago. However, trust me, it was not a randomly made decision. I had begun a new yeshiva and felt I could not afford to miss learning during Elul. I certainly never intended to hurt you.”

I retorted, “Other friends came. Somehow they managed to take off. Why couldn’t you?”

Shloimke Furman looked me in the eye and said, “I am not trying to convince you that I was right. However, I do want you to know that I had reasons; I consulted with others, and trust me, I never intended to hurt you.”

As the words rolled off his tongue and emanated from his heart, they penetrated my heart.

Suddenly, I was transported back to Kensington, Brooklyn, to 425 East 9th Street, and the year was 1982.

I am once again sitting with Rav Pam as he reminds me for the umpteenth time, “I am sure he had reasons, and he never intended to hurt you.”

Shloimke Furman says again, “I know you were hurt. However, “I had reasons and never intended to hurt you. I am sorry.”

Shloimke Furman was speaking the words of Rav Pam!

I looked at him, and although it took four decades, his (and Rav Pam's) words finally penetrated my heart.

He had reasons, and he never intended to hurt me.

I reach out and hug Shloimke.

We are both crying.

As the tears run down our cheeks, forty-plus years of needless resentment are finally washed away.

If I had only realized back then that "He had reasons and never intended to hurt me," just imagine how much pain I could have saved myself from?

I miss Rav Pam.

I miss his wisdom.

I miss his true Ahavas Yisroel,

And I wish I could continue to internalize his lesson:

Many people may disappoint us, but more often than not, they do not intend to hurt us. They have reasons, just as we have reasons.

As Rav Pam taught me, "Disappointments don't have to be reasons to despise...."