The Short Vort by Rabbi Eisenman

We all remember the Zoom days when people were warned to be careful to note how they dressed and acted while on camera.

 

However, there is always room and reason to be vigilant.

After all, as Rebbe taught us in Pirkei Avos (2:1), “Know what is above you: An eye which sees, an ear which hears, and all your actions are written in a book.”

 

So too, nowadays, more than you can imagine is heard when you are on your phone!

Therefore, I present, “What not to do when you are on the phone!”

 

When you are on the phone with anyone, especially (as is common nowadays) on a hands-free device, you must remember the does and don’ts of proper phone etiquette.

 

The Does and Don’ts of Phone Etiquette

*Some apply to cell phones, some to landlines, and some to both

 

1.      Never talk and type-

What is more distracting, disturbing, and dehumanizing than hearing the tap-tap of pressed keys while talking to someone on the phone?

a.      Someone called me with a question, and I could hear them typing and tapping away. In jest, I said, “Wait, before completing your Shayla, I think you better spell-check the document you are typing.”

b.      Without missing a tap, the man replied, “Oh, thank you so much. Rabbi, I was so distracted by your voice I misspelled a keyword in the email I was typing. Thanks so much for reminding me. By the way, Rabbi, what did you want to talk about?”(I wanted to talk?!)

 

2.      Never eat and talk.

a.      Is anything more bothersome than hearing Snap, Crackle, and Pop

 when talking to someone on the phone while discussing their Shalom Bayis

problems?

b.      I tell the man, “You must focus when your wife and children are speaking to you….”

c.      - crunch, crunch, crunch…

d.      “Excuse me, are you eating?”

e.      “Oh no, Rabbi, I am just finishing a snack, keep talking away; I am with you.”

f.        Crunch, crunch, crunch…, followed by tap, tap, tap.

g.      “Rabbi, why did you stop (crunch, crunch, crunch) talking?

h.      You are just like my wife, I take a little snack and type a little on my phone while she is jabbering away, and she gets bent out of shape.

i.        Is that what you tell the women, Rabbi? Is that where she got these treif ideas about how I should listen to her?”

 

3.      Never speak to the cashier (or anyone else) while you are on the phone (cell phone advice)

a.      The other day a person called me with a difficult Kashrus issue.

b.      “Rabbi, I mixed fleishig noodles in a milchig pot, stirred it with a parve ladle, added Cholov Stam powdered milk, and then cooked everything Sous vide. I then served it with onions cut with a milchig knife on an eino ben yomo fleishig cutting board that was never toveled. What’s the status of everything?”

c.      “This is a serious question. Please, listen carefully as the question is complex.”

d.      “ Sure thing, Rabbi. Go ahead. I’m listening. Hi, can I get a discount if I buy two boxes of diapers and two baby wipes?”

e.      “What was that you said?”

f.       “Oh, nothing, Rabbi, I’m just checking out. Keep talking, so what were you saying about the status of….”

g.      “I was just saying….”

h.      “So why can’t I get a discount? Last week, you gave me a deal for three boxes of diapers, so why not on two?

i.        Rabbi, why did you stop talking? So what’s the status of….”

j.        “Well, I think that it’s not kosher….”

k.      “What? Why not?”

l.        “Well, because….”

m.    “Hold on a minute Rabbi… Why can’t you give me an answer?”

n.      “I am trying to give you an answer….”

o.      “Rabbi, sorry, I am not talking to you; hold on….”

p.      “So, you can give me a ten percent discount, thanks, OK, Rabbi, I am with you….”

q.      “As I was saying, It’s not….”

r.       “What? Only on the diapers and not on the wipes?”

s.       “Well, let me explain..”

t.       “Rabbi, I gotta go now… I really deserve a ten percent discount on both.. “

 

4.      Shut off Waze Before You Call Me

a.      I know it’s me (don’t worry, it’s never you). However, I don’t get the warm and fuzzies when you call me to ask me about your daughter’s Seminary acceptance. And as I am answering you, “So, your daughter is not going to get into her first choice seminary….”  I hear:

b.     TURN RIGHT IN 500 FEET AT OLD COUNTRY ROAD SOUTH, ROUTE 210 WEST, SEGWAY PARKWAY, NEW BRUNSWICK, OLD DIRT-ROAD PARKWAY

c.      “Wait, what did you say, Rabbi? My daughter is going to the seminary of her choice? That’s great!”

d.      “No, sorry, I said….”

e.      TURN LEFT AT THE ROUNDABOUT IN 450 FEET, BEAR LEFT ONTO OLD CHERRY HILL PARKWAY, IN A QUARTER OF A MILE SHARP RIGHT INTO HOCKACHINING STREET, POLICE AHEAD…

f.       “About your daughter….”

g.      “Oh no, there are police here. Rabbi, is it muter to speed to get to my Shaitel wash and set appointment? It’s a Dvar Mitzvah as my sister-in-law’s Vort is tomorrow night, and my mother-in-law always looks at my Shaitel. I must get it washed, set, and even cut today. By the way, can you cut a Shaitel during the Omer?”

h.     “I thought we were talking about your daughter’s not getting into Sem….”

i.       “What are you saying, Rabbi? Of course my daughter is gong to Sem!

j.       She’s going to Bnos Sorah, Rivkah, Rochel, Chana, and Chava. That’s the best Sem.

k.       You can’t have a smartphone, and each girl is given a free kosher phone with no internet access (except for Flatbush-Girl).

l.       It’s the best Sem in the world. What do you mean she is not accepted?

You said she was….”

m.    “Well, what I was saying….”

n.     WHEN LEGAL, MAKE A U-TURN INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC AND HEAD FIVE HUNDRED NORTH UNTIL THE FIRST EXIT IN THE ROUNDABOUT, PROCEED SIX HUNDRED FEET UNTIL OLD LEAVEMEALONE ROAD, AND THEN TURN ONTO DISTRACTION STREET TO NASTY LANE…

o.     “I was saying..,”

p.     “Rabbi, I don’t know why you called me now (“What? You called me!”)-

q.     However, I can’t talk now. I have to triple park here to make my Shaitel appointment to get my two-month-old $6900 Shaitel ( a great deal-normally $6999) washed and set. Can you call me later….”

r.       TURN RIGHT WHEN LEGAL…

s.      “Hello, officer, no, I am only going in for a moment, it’s fine….

t.       “Wait, are you parking illegally while talking to me?”

u.     “Rabbi, it’s all good. The person I am blocking is fine with this. I listen to a “Big Bite of Bitachon” daily, and I have Bitachon that the man banging on my car insisting I move is just a Nisayon. It’s all a test from Hashem to see if I will remain steadfast in my absolute Bitachon.

v.      Hashem is testing me. He wants to see my Bitachon. I know, with Emunah Sheleima, it’s fine to block someone for my Shaitel appointment. So what, their 98-year-old grandfather has to go to the doctor?”

w.    “Excuse me, Mrs. Shtuss; however, I am not sure you are applying the concept of Bitachon properly….”

x.      “Hold on, Rabbi, the cop is coming, and he’s writing something….”

y.      “You can’t give me a ticket, what? You are? You must be an anti-Semite. You must write for the New York Times on the side.”

z.      “Rabbi, why is Hashem punishing me so terribly? The way I am being punished, you would think I really hurt someone? Rabbi, do you know who I am? No matter what, I say Tehillim every day, even when my baby is crying, my kids are fighting, and the rice is burning. Nothing stops me from my Tehillim, not even giving my baby her bottle!” (Except for my Shaitel appointment, then the world stops)

 

Enjoy Adar!