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The Short Vort- -“When to Forget and When to Forgive” (8/31/10)
The Short Vort
Good Morning!
Today is Tuesday the 21st of Elul 5770 and August 31, 2010
When to Forget and When to Forgive
(Number two of a possible three in a trilogy entitled: Three Coins in the Fountain)
If you remember, on Thursday, August 26th, I sent out a Short Vort which dealt with the proper strategy for achieving forgiveness for yourself on Rosh Hashanah.
The basic recap of the strategy is the following:
“Whoever allows things to slide, and is not always looking for ‘an eye for an eye’; and forgives and forgets… Hashem will allow their ‘stuff’ to slide and will forgive and forget their transgressions” (free translation of Gemara Rosh Hashanah 17a)
This is the most important and tried and true method of guaranteeing for yourself an acquittal in two weeks: allowing things to slide.
The more ‘stuff’ you allow to slide, the more of your ‘stuff’ Hashem will allow to slide.
Many of you asked the following:
- “How can Rabbi Eisenman claim that Chazal felt we should just grant ‘carte blanche’ forgiveness to everyone and anyone who has hurt us during the year?”
- “Would Chazal say that the child who has been traumatized by an abuser grant forgiveness in order that they themselves will be forgiven by Hashem- irrespective of the abusers asking for forgiveness?”
- “Should the wife who has been on the receiving end of constant and chronic abuse by her husband just grant her abusive husband forgiveness before Rosh Hashanah in the hope that she will receive forgiveness from Hashem, even though the abuse is ongoing and the husband shows no remorse or regret?”
These are very powerful questions and they caused me to go back and ‘crack the books’ and to revisit the issue.
Well, guess what? I thank you, my dear readers for because of you, I am revising and upgrading what I wrote last Thursday.
The Rema (Rav Moshe Issralis Zt”l, the Rov in Krakow, Poland in the 16th century and the codifier of Ashkenazi practices) comments in Orach Chayim siman 606, (which deals with the obligation on the sinner to ask forgiveness from their victim on Erev Yom Kippur) -after the Shulchan Aruch informs us to ask forgiveness from those we harmed- “And the forgiver shall not be cruel (thereby preventing him) from forgiving”.
The Mishna Berurah adds (note 8) that the reason the victim shall not be cruel and thereby unforgiving is because: “d’ Kol HaMa’avir Al Midosav, Ma’avirin lo al kol P’sha’av”- which means, “Whoever is not strict in their natural inclination not to forgive-) {and forgives}, that person’s sins will be forgiven”.
Cutting to the chase this means, that the only time Chazal felt we should let things slide and forgive and forget is ONLY WHEN THE SINNER IS SINCERELY CONTRITE, REMORSEFUL AND REPENTANT and EXPRESSES HIS CONTRITENESS AND REMORSE TO HIS VICTIM!
Meaning, Chazal were teaching us that if someone has hurt you; really hurt you, and then they come begging for forgiveness and they are truly sorrowful and regretful, then- and ONLY THEN- although you are still in pain and neither of you can make the act of abuse go away-and notwithstanding the fact that your instinctive reaction is to ignore their apology- not because it is insincere, but rather, because the pain is so great- nevertheless, in this scenario - the Rema and the Mishna Berurah recommend that a person should let their pain ‘slide’ and forgive their abuser.
If you can forgive the person is this case, then Hashem will forgive you as well when you sincerely ask for forgiveness and are truly contrite.
However, no where does it say and in no way is a person obliged or even encouraged to forgive in a scenario where their tormentor has never asked for forgiveness properly and certainly not if the sinner is not sincere at all in their claims of remorse!
If a child has been abused by someone, and their abuser has never even acknowledged their victim’s pain and has never admitted and/or fully humbled themselves before the victim, then in this case the abused child/adult is neither required nor even encouraged to forgive!
Indeed, it is absurd to even suggest that Chazal would ever advocate that the victim forgive in this case, for this would facilitate further abuse!
If all abusers knew that the Jewish religion requires or at least recommends that the victim grant absolution irrespective of the contriteness of their abusers, then all abusers, molesters, wife-beaters, pedophiles…would have absolutely no reason to ever change their ways!
In fact it would encourage them to keep on adding on more and more victims.
After all, is forgiveness is a virtue, irrespective of the abusers penitent posture, then why repent?
If forgiveness is forthcoming notwithstanding their self- improvement then why ever cease their abusive behavior?
Could Chazal be advocating that a woman who is trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship grant forgives to her tyrannical husband every year, just because as he is leaving to Shul on Erev Rosh Hashanah he mumbles a meaningless, insincere and superficial lip service apology of: “I’m sorry”?! An apology which he has been offering for the last thirty years only to continue his scurrilous and cruel comments every year even before the Machzor has been placed back on the shelf after Yom Tov?
Certainly not!
Therefore, we are now presenting the ‘upgraded’, improved and definitive concept of ‘forgiving and forgetting’.
If a person has been hurt and pained and their bullying, despotic oppressor has not humbled themselves in complete and total remorse and regret, than there is no reason to forgive. Indeed, one can argue quite convincingly that Chazal were against forgiving in this scenario.
This is borne out by the fact that the Rema points out that the one exception to the suggestion of Chazal to forgive is when the victim feels that by granting forgiveness he/she will be facilitating more abusive behavior by the sinner; or (as the Mishna Berurah points out) if the victim feels that by granting forgiveness they- as the victim- will be incurring more pain and therefore they feel that by not forgiving they are protecting themselves from further harm- then in both of these cases there is no recommendation to forgive!
Therefore, when should we let things slide?
When we are asked for forgiveness by our tormentors in a sincere and heartfelt manner- and notwithstanding the fact that we are inclined to hold on to our pain and not to forgive- in this case -since the abuser is indeed sincere, remorseful, and contrite- then in this case and only in this case- we should suppress our natural inclination to hold on to our anger and pain and instead we are charged to go against our natural inclinations and forgive our oppressor.
However, when no remorse is forthcoming, and/or we feel that the remorse is insincere or we feel that by forgiving more pain will come to us- then there is no recommendation to forgive.
It may be G-dly to forgive; however, it is absurd, wrong and downright un-Jewish to advocate forgiving when there is no remorse and/or regret being expressed by he or she who has hurt us.
To forgive is divine- however, to be a facilitator of further pain for you or to others is shameful and wrong!